Hoo-rah. I realized my mistake in my HTML that allowed it to work in Firefox and not in IE. In the end, it wasn't because IE is retarded (which I still think it is) it was because my HTML writing was shit. (Note: I am a HTML novice.)
And so I can have a post if I need to remember, and for those wondering themselves (and for those computer programmers wanting to scoff at me while they push up their spectacles):
I had previously written an < a href > < / a > tag around a < button > < / button > command because I wanted the HTML push button (the appropriate term for this) to send visitors to another part of my site. This worked in Firefox for whatever reason, but IE recognized my stupidity and just said "No!"
I found a site that listed all the attributes one could include in the < button > command: http://www.w3schools.com/tags/tag_button.asp.
From there, I simply added the "onclick" attribute in the following format, with much success:
< button onclick="parent.location='LINK'" >Welcome! (About Me)< /button >
...with the "LINK" replaced with the desired URL. (There's another thing you can put instead of "parent.location" but I don't know what it is or what the difference is...)
So in IE, it did this:
...which is to say, nothing.
But now (well, I'm still working on updating all the pages), it will do this:
...which is to say, awesome.