Sunday, December 19, 2010

Cell Phone Snippets From Paula, The Massage Therapist, Blackdog Cafe, Tallahassee, FL

-Hi, it's Paula. The message therapist... PAULA. The MASSAGE THERAPIST... Hi, sweetie, how ya doin? I'm just seeing who's in town and who's out and I'm seeing if you need a massage. I know I've worked on you before.

-I'm going to tell you something I don't tell just anyone. I've got the immaculate conception. That's why they want me dead.

-Hi sweetie, how ya doin? I just got robbed and beat up, so I'm out of money right now and I don't want to ask for anything, but if you give me $2 for gas I can make it out there. If you give me $2 for gas I can make it out there.

-It started in June when a black man killed a white man in Frenchtown and Jesus asked me to come live in his house, and he's Mayan, and so am I. I'm Mayan-Indian.

-Hi sweetie, Daddy says I still need help, but there's just a lot of shit going on right now and I just called to say that I miss you and I love you and I want to see you again. Call me back.

-The devil called my momma and said, "Tell that girl not to go to Frenchtown because that's my turf," but so that's where I went anyway.

-Jesus Christ got me a six-bedroom house.

-I just need some clients. If you know anyone who needs a massage, I can cure anything. I cured leg cancer in three days.

-Sex is spiritual.

-We all have our shit. I'm still human, momma. I still hurt. I laugh, I dance, I play.

-I get all the saints, the apostles... I don't care. Ain't my fuckin problem! I'm not here to save the world, I'm here to save myself.

-I am suing the state of Florida, and maybe even this whole goddamn country. CSI is in our house, and I don't just tell this to anyone.

-The only reason I didn't go to church this morning --- and I'm not religious --- is that I needed rest.

-So I went to go get him injuncted, and get him arrested or whoever's associated with him, and Jesus took the whole package... the next time he comes near me, I can call the sheriff and have him taken away.

-I've had people come up to me in a gas station and punch me in the side of the fuckin face so hard, and I don't even know them! I can't go into a gas station to get a Mt. Dew. I'll just make sure I have sharp objects on me at all times.

-I don't need anything. I'm at the Blackdog. They gave me a free cup of coffee. I'm not hungry or cold. I have everything I need. I have a car, a place to stay, a house, a couple houses. I just don't have gas.

-I told the sheriff, "If he comes near me again, I'm gonna kill him." And he said "Good. We come out here all the time when all these guys come out and hit you."

-They think I'm crazy, but the gods must be crazy.

-The less fear I show the more power I have.

-I'm reading something about Paul McCartney.

-[Reading from the comics section of the sunday paper] "Sir Isaac Newton developed the laws of motion... an object staying still..."

-Well, go pay all your bills and --- or, fuck all your debts, and just go have some fun. That's what Jesus wants.

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